Miss You

Dear Oliver,

I'm thinking of you today and just want you to know how much I love you. Sometimes I remember back to our time in the hospital. Those two days you were mine are some of the most precious and special memories of my life.  I was the first one to feed you and look into your eyes. You knew my scent, voice, and heartbeat. I was yours and you were mine. We shared a bond that will never be broken. 

Now, three years later, I look back and miss that baby I held in the hospital. The rambunctious toddler you are that's running around is a stranger to me, just like I'm a stranger to you. This hurts my heart. In a perfect world, adoption would not exist, except in the case of orphans. I grieve knowing what I know now and have to live with the choice I made, which seemed like the very best choice at the time. You have a great life right now and seem very happy. But I have no doubt you would have been happy with me too. 

It's hard watching someone else raise you, kiss you, sing to you, give you a bath, feed you, and put you to bed. I wanted that person to be me. Living with myself and the huge hole in my heart is probably the hardest part of adoption. Knowing I did this to myself, and knowing my pain is no one's fault but my own, is a difficult reality to live with.

My grief ebbs and flows like waves in the ocean. I don't know if I'm ever going to be ok. I just cope the best I can and try to live my life in a way that would make you proud to be related to me. I wish I could snap my fingers and feel better, but it's not that easy. I live with a profound loss every day. With that being said, please don't feel sorry for me or think any of this is your fault. You were the innocent one in all of this. I'm just so sorry I wasn't confident enough to raise you on my own. 

I hope and pray for the day that we can build a relationship. Whatever that will look like is on your terms, and I will respect whatever you're comfortable with. I look forward to our next visit and maybe, just maybe, you'll know who I am and I won't be a stranger anymore. That will be awesome. 

I love you, sweet boy.   


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