Burdens As Blessings
I'm in grad school and today in one of my classes, someone volunteered to do a role play with the teacher on assertive communication. The student's example was regarding a conflict she had with her mother-in-law about parenting while she was pregnant. The were some chuckles in the class from others who were married. Interestingly, the class is all female and the instructor is also female. The instructor joked that she joined a fitness class for pregnant women while she was pregnant and she and the other ladies used to vent to each other about their mother-in-laws. More laughter from the class. I laughed along, and realized how far I have come. Three years ago this would have crushed me, having just gone through an unplanned pregnancy with no support from the baby's father. I was single, pregnant, and alone. I would have given anything to have a mother-in-law that was meddling in my business if that meant I'd be keeping my baby and raising him with his father.
It was in this moment while sitting in class that I realized sometimes what we perceive as burdens are often someone else's blessings. Just like when new moms complain of the piles of laundry, an infertile couple would give anything to have that laundry because it meant they would have a baby. So often we get caught up in the details of our day-to-day monotony and forget how the things we complain about are the things we used to yearn for, or what others are yearning for each and every day.
As I left the classroom, I couldn't help but reflect on my own situation. Here I am, 10 days away from my 34th birthday, still hoping and waiting for the opportunity to become a wife and mother. It's a difficult reality for me to accept. This was not supposed to be how my life turned out. I am trying to challenge that narrative and believe that maybe this is how my life was supposed to turn out, but it's hard. I have to learn to accept that I may never have more children, and that my sweet Oliver was my one chance at motherhood. It hurts more than I can describe to let that sink in.
I used to think that my calling was motherhood for a long time. I'm not so convinced anymore, although I would very much like to be a mother. I just know that God has a greater purpose for me that extends beyond motherhood. I'm still trying to figure out what that is exactly, but I feel like I'm getting closer to finding it. I want to educate, inspire, help, and lift up those who are hurting and are searching for peace. I know that I can only help others as far as I've helped myself, which is why healing has been such a pivotal part of my journey since placing my son for adoption 3 years ago. That experience absolutely broke me into a hollow shell of a human being.
I am still coming out of the thick haze, and have to take it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. I can say thankfully now I have more good days than bad, but my heart is not completely healed. I have scars and battle wounds that are just too deep. I may never be completely healed, but that won't stop me from trying and helping others along in the process.
I'm in grad school and today in one of my classes, someone volunteered to do a role play with the teacher on assertive communication. The student's example was regarding a conflict she had with her mother-in-law about parenting while she was pregnant. The were some chuckles in the class from others who were married. Interestingly, the class is all female and the instructor is also female. The instructor joked that she joined a fitness class for pregnant women while she was pregnant and she and the other ladies used to vent to each other about their mother-in-laws. More laughter from the class. I laughed along, and realized how far I have come. Three years ago this would have crushed me, having just gone through an unplanned pregnancy with no support from the baby's father. I was single, pregnant, and alone. I would have given anything to have a mother-in-law that was meddling in my business if that meant I'd be keeping my baby and raising him with his father.
It was in this moment while sitting in class that I realized sometimes what we perceive as burdens are often someone else's blessings. Just like when new moms complain of the piles of laundry, an infertile couple would give anything to have that laundry because it meant they would have a baby. So often we get caught up in the details of our day-to-day monotony and forget how the things we complain about are the things we used to yearn for, or what others are yearning for each and every day.
As I left the classroom, I couldn't help but reflect on my own situation. Here I am, 10 days away from my 34th birthday, still hoping and waiting for the opportunity to become a wife and mother. It's a difficult reality for me to accept. This was not supposed to be how my life turned out. I am trying to challenge that narrative and believe that maybe this is how my life was supposed to turn out, but it's hard. I have to learn to accept that I may never have more children, and that my sweet Oliver was my one chance at motherhood. It hurts more than I can describe to let that sink in.
I used to think that my calling was motherhood for a long time. I'm not so convinced anymore, although I would very much like to be a mother. I just know that God has a greater purpose for me that extends beyond motherhood. I'm still trying to figure out what that is exactly, but I feel like I'm getting closer to finding it. I want to educate, inspire, help, and lift up those who are hurting and are searching for peace. I know that I can only help others as far as I've helped myself, which is why healing has been such a pivotal part of my journey since placing my son for adoption 3 years ago. That experience absolutely broke me into a hollow shell of a human being.
I am still coming out of the thick haze, and have to take it one day at a time. Some days are better than others. I can say thankfully now I have more good days than bad, but my heart is not completely healed. I have scars and battle wounds that are just too deep. I may never be completely healed, but that won't stop me from trying and helping others along in the process.
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