Lost

Have you ever gotten lost and couldn't find your way back home? I have. Thank goodness for GPS... it's saved me countless times. But what do you do when you're lost in life and can't find your way home? That's what I'm struggling with lately. I don't know who I am anymore. And the worst part is it's mostly self-imposed.

I lost myself in fear of losing a relationship with someone I'm incompatible with. As a result, I changed myself to become someone he'd want to keep. Instead of staying true to myself, I became someone I don't even recognize anymore. After all, I was living in Los Angeles, a modern city with modern values. Didn't I want to be a part of it? And yes, I did. Or so I thought. But I've decided I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to be me, however un-hip that might be. For once I want to feel like who I am is okay. Wonderful, even. I want to feel like who I am is wonderful. And I don't need to pretend to be anything or anyone I'm not. Even just a little. If it's unnatural, it's not for me. From this moment forward I vow to never change myself for a guy again. Am I that desperate to be loved that I'll throw everything away to the first cute guy that's available?

The truth is, I used to be a very strong individual. I went after my goals and dreams and was very determined. I was also very strong with my faith. It complimented my lifestyle and I never felt conflicted or confused. But everything changed after I moved to Los Angeles to pursue acting. For the first time in my life, at the age of 27, I began to question my beliefs and upbringing. I was in a very vulnerable state. I was living in a big city for the first time, and felt completely alone. I didn't make friends right away at church and began to study my surroundings. In doing so, I realized there is so much good out there. How can any religion be so ignorant to claim it has the complete truth? Nothing can be that absolute except for science. My beliefs are evolving and it's difficult. I struggle with the concept of faith like many others. My world view has definitely expanded since moving here, and although it leaves me conflicted and confused, I'm grateful for a more open mind. The city is draining and getting anywhere is exhausting. I've basically given up on my acting dreams and am just floating along. But that isn't living, I know that. I wish the answers would just come to me like a bolt of lightning.

I need to find what brings me happiness, fulfillment, and purpose. Who cares if it's popular, modern, or "normal?" It's not worth it to give up who you are to fit the mold; it's a recipe for misery. I need to figure out what I want. Is it writing? Is it acting? Or is it starting a family? If it is, I better find someone I'd actually want to start a family with; and that person would be in a position to get married and would want to marry me sooner rather than later. But the bottom line is, I can't look to other people or things to give me happiness, purpose, or love. I have to create it for myself. I know what doesn't bring happiness... stuff, clothes, makeup, trying to fit in, or compromising my values. And the sooner I stop giving in to those pressures, the closer I am to finding myself again.

Love,
Heidi
xoxo

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